Hangzhou Lovin’

Cool ad, if you like old movies and popping and locking

ok so i was at the market last week and guess what i found… BOOTLEG COPY OF THE NEW HARRY POTTER!!!

MAJOR SPOILER ALERT MAJOR SPOILER ALERT

Ok so the book starts out as usual, harry is unhappy at home and can’t wait to be taken away to the magical school of Hogwarts. He soon gets his wish and is transported there in a rousing adventure involving a teapot, a toothbrush and a magical can of warms with a strangely insulting ethnic accent.

So then they get to the hogwarts and every one there is all like, “oh look it’s harry potter, he did all that shit in the last book and he thinks he’s so great. but whatever, what’s up with his tattoo, is he gay?” And since harry is entering his formative years and is getting all moody and shit, he takes this pretty bad. So the book waists a few chapters on harry being a little bitch. But, these chapters are saved by the presence of some hot scenes of uncomfortable adolescent sexuality between Ron and Hermione. I mean come on hermione, ron can’t even use his wand correctly, what do you expect?

Then the book picks up with the arrival of “the half blood prince” or as my Chinese version had it, “the partially desainguinated earl.” He shows up at school as the new defense against dark arts teacher, (who would have thunk it?). But the problem is that he isn’t half muggle, he’s half Puerto Rican, so the middle half of the book descends into a predictable but amusing riff on “i love lucy” (particularly good is the scene where harry is frantically trying to fix up the production line at Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans that malfoy messed up while the half blood prince has to stop Snape from finding them by distracting the whole school with an impromptu conga line.

So then we get to the final section of the book, where all the wacky twists come into play. First we find out that there is a major prostitution ring run down in the town by voldemort and they are abducting nubile little boys girls and monsters from hogwarts in able to staff it. So after ron and hermione get abducted it’s up to harry and his Puerto Rican sidekick to go help out. harry also starts to grow a nasty beard and gets some grisly chest hair on his scrawny little body.

so it appears that voldemort needs to marry a a girl with green eyes in order to regain his physical form. Ron has green eyes, and malfoys father has the power to change him into a girl. So then they go into voldmorts lair and there’s all these kungfu masters and shit and there’s this dude that’s really strong and this dude that’s really fast and this other dude that just kicks ass. So then the really strong guy blows up and some other shit happens and finally ron actually changes into a girl and voldemort is able to marry him and take human form. But harry is like whatever dumbshit, now you are human and easy to kill. So he takes his wand and stabs it in voldemorts eye and all this blood shoots out like a fucking kuraswa movie!

or maybe that was the end to “big trouble in little china,” whatever it was sweet

so i guess i should post… started teaching today and a little girl started crying. I laughed

maybe i’ve become jaded?

oh shit, just got an idea for a post, see above…

yo, booty!